Basketball Servant Leader Series on Empathy: The Glue for Closer Teams

One night after basketball practice, two younger players were criticizing one of the starters. “Sean has been terrible this week. He’s lazy, he is a slacker, he comes late and leaves early. The coach plays favorites with him. Just think if we slacked off as he does, the coach would be on our case.” The captain happened to overhear their complaining. He went up to the two players and asked, “Have you had a conversation with this player? Do you know what is going on in his life?”

“It doesn’t matter, he should play hard every practice,” They retorted.

“I know Sean and he is not a slacker. Something is up in his life and I recommend you show him some respect. That is what he has earned and that is what he deserves," answered the captain.

Later, Sean came to the team and said he was sorry for not being able to play his hardest that week. He broke down and told the team that he had found out his mom had terminal cancer and was not expected to make it to Christmas.

Without empathy, we make dangerous assumptions about others that hurt them and hurt the team.

Check out the ways you can measure your level of empathy.

We at NBC Basketball are highlighting the 10 characteristics of a servant leader; a leader who makes others better. The second characteristic of a servant leader is empathy. Empathy is a word that isn't always admired in the sports world. Coaches and players without empathy generally don’t value empathy in others, but the power of empathy, regardless of the possible derision it evokes, is undeniable. Empathy is the glue to any great team or family. Empathy holds teams in a tight bond of brotherhood or sisterhood. It is the deep heart connection between a father/mother and a son or daughter.

A person who excels at this word:

• Understands others
• Creates deep meaningful person-to-person relationships
• Makes decisions as a leader that bring about the ultimate good for all
• Inspires trust and closer connection
• Navigates difficult emotions well
• Helps others overcome difficult emotions
• Reads the room and brings people closer together

How about you? If you look at these qualities, how common are they in your home and on your team? Chances are if these qualities are high, you love this world and live in this world well. However, if these qualities are lacking, chances are you don’t value empathy and may even disdain it.

Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s emotion. It is the ability to step into someone else’s experience and feel what they might be feeling. Those with higher levels of empathy have stronger bonds of friendship and greater levels of trust than those with lower levels of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand emotion both in yourself and those around you. It is the ability to accurately understand what you are feeling and to move yourself to greater health and insight. Consider a father who is frustrated and angry but doesn’t know it. He is blind to his own emotions. His family tries to tell him he is angry, but he denies it. He is unable to accurately assess his own emotional state of mind. His lack of wisdom regarding his own emotion will also put him completely out of touch with his wife or children’s emotions. Most parents and coaches who are out of touch with their own emotions use shame as the primary tool for motivation in the home or on the court. Shame ruins teams and families, and ruins performance and well-being.

Empathy in Basketball

Emotions can be messy and therefore many coaches and programs work to eliminate emotions. Players are expected to be like machines, perform without feeling. The issue with that is basketball requires passion which is at our emotional center. Watching or playing robotic, passionless basketball is like eating food without any flavor.

Great basketball has emotion pumping through it, but it is emotion navigated with wisdom. A great coach understands immediately what his or her players are feeling and how to move the team in the best direction.

Players with empathy have a tighter bond and a stronger friendship that allows for the team to operate as one rather than in isolation. Players sense the rhythm of their teammates, they see the game from the point of view of others, they value and believe in each other. Team chemistry and cohesion result from this underlying bond of empathy.

One of the best sports movies, Remember the Titans, tells the story of racial division in a Virginia football team. The players struggled with fragmentation and disunity, racial hatred, and lack of empathy. Coach Boone, played by Denzel Washington, believed that until each player trusted and loved his teammates, he would only have individual players operating without unity. A true team is glued together through the power of empathy. During the film, Coach brings the players together at a football boot camp. Each player has to room with someone who comes from a different life experience. As the team continues to battle with disunity and disrespect for each other, he runs them to the historical landmark where the Battle of Gettysburg was fought. At Gettysburg, over 7000 men died and 33,000 were wounded, the field filled with blood. The coach tells his team...

You listen, and you take a lesson from the dead. If we don’t come together right now on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed, just like they were. I don’t care if you like each other or not, but you will respect each other. And maybe… I don’t know, maybe we’ll learn to play this game like men.

Coach Boone understood that empathy leads to respect, and respect leads to love and appreciation which leads to chemistry – a team of brothers who would die for one another.

Great Teammates Have Empathy

What kind of teammate are you? What kind of glue does your team have? Are you individual players or are you a unit? Is there backbiting, jealousy, bitterness, or frustration?

Your empathy creates a space for your teammates to confide in you, to trust you, to believe in you, to serve you, and to help you. This bond in a team is the most powerful on earth.

Are you a Great Coach or Parent?

One of Simon Sinek’s most viewed Ted Talks outlines his definition of the task of a great leader. The job of a great leader is not about being in charge but about caring for those who are in our charge. Your level of care for those you lead defines your quality as a coach.

Effective coaches and parents do these well:

• Create safety and trust—Does your family or team trust you and each of the members in it? If trust is absent, empathy is absent. To elevate trust and safety, you must elevate empathy. Lack of safety in the home also means emotions are disallowed or that emotions are out of control. Either way, emotions are mishandled. To honor emotions, listen to what they have to say but don’t be ruled by them.
• Not judgmental or shaming—Does your family or team see you as critical, harsh, judging, or shaming? Shame is one of the greatest tools for destroying a team or family. Do your eyes immediately see what is wrong? Does your mouth immediately criticize, complain, or judge? These actions breed isolation, distrust, fear, and loathing. A great question to ask would be, "How much judgment do you feel from me as a coach or as a parent?"
• Navigate emotion with wisdom—Does your team or family believe you have emotional intelligence? What is your EQ? Emotional intelligence is something that can be measured. How do you score? There is a comprehensive EQ test for free on Psychology Today that takes about 45 minutes. The good news is EQ can always be improved. Here is the link: https://www.psychologytoday.co... if any of your relationships are not where you would like them to be, it might be worth your time.
• Assist others through difficult emotional experiences—Are players or family members going through difficult life experiences? Your level of empathy is a significant indicator of how well those you lead will navigate tough life experiences. Empathy researchers discovered those who have higher levels of empathy helped those in sorrow, heartache, despair, or depression move to healthier levels.
• Recognize how decisions affect the emotions of those they lead—Do those you lead feel more connected, loved, and supported by you, or do they feel more bitter, frustrated, or fragmented? Understanding how your decisions influence those you lead is crucial to be a great leader.

As you elevate your empathy you elevate the love and connection on your team and in your home.

About NBC Basketball
NBC Basketball is committed to the growth and development of players, coaches, and parents to lead lives of excellence on and off the court. Camps began in 1971 with the desire to develop the whole athlete, mind, body, spirit. The emphasis for the camps centers around the importance of attitude, the power of mental toughness and grit, servant leadership, and personal faith. For more info about NBC Basketball visit www.nbccamps.com.